Wednesday, January 6, 2010

bumps on the road of life

This past weekend I unfortunately suffered a miscarriage. It was a rough experience, fortunately I was at the hospital and had my best friend (Jason) with me and it was bearable.

For the most part I am doing fine. I feel better everyday physically. I think it's the emotional side that hurts the most and holds you back. My body needed little medication to ease the pain, but I wish I could take a couple Tylenol to make this emotional roller coaster feel more like a nice calm boat ride. There's really not a lot to be done. Your filled with hormones and then dealing with any loss is tough. I cried for 3 days straight and I felt a lot better or maybe my eyes were just too swollen to keep up at that pace.

I still get a little sad when I see the ultrasound pictures we had at 7 weeks, we heard it's heart beat and I was optimistic that despite it measuring small, and being put on a medication (progesterone) that made me nauseous, emotional, irritable, and sleepy, and a feeling of dread - things would work out. I like having summer babies and this one would have worked out great. Sometimes my plan is not the one that counts.

The baby stopped growing for whatever reason at 7 weeks 5 days. And at 12 weeks my body knew it was done with this pregnancy. I don't really think I was ready to accept it until we were at the hospital and I felt my water break for the first time ever (my kids all took their own sweet time coming out - aka induced) luckily Jason was there to hold me up and help me through the next 8 hrs. I guess I thought it wouldn't be so rough since I've had 2 previous miscarriage, but I had a D&C with both of those. They knock you out and you wake up and go on with life. I was coherent through this entire process and it was amazingly horrific.

It's over with now and I'm glad to be done. It's not a pleasant experience, but when you pray for trials to be humbled but you put restrictions on your trials (please help me to be humble and teachable - but nothing to do with my kids, or Jason, or Jason's job, etc.) You kind of limit the playing field and you have to keep in mind you were asking for the trial - 'you get what you get, and you don't throw a fit' (my kids hate that saying) - but standing on this side of the trial, I know it had a purpose and I know I will understand it better in time.

In the mean time, I feel the effects of everyones prayers. I feel a calming spirit and mostly just feel incredibly grateful for my children. I look at Abbey's mischievous grin and she just makes me laugh. I guess she is the prescription I need right now. Jason is a rock and I couldn't have gone through this without him. He is the breathe of my life.

Anyway, Thanks to everyone who have brought me food, treats, sent me emails, txt, phone calls. Your kind words and sincerity have been enveloping and made this easier to deal with. I am surrounded by amazing family, friends, ward members, and genuinely good hearted people.

Everyone has been so gracious and sincere. Thank you. Everything happens for a reason we are still planning to add to our family. Well, hell with a husband as hot as Jason - it's not hard to see why.